I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
