There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
