she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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