I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
