i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Don't tell me you're on acid again
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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