I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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