I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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