at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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