I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
