need another drink. this is the easiest way
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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