I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
