someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
