shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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