I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
