Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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