Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
