i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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