Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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