You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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