he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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