Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
