1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
