he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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