Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
4 words: hood of his car
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
