Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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