my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
