i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
