I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
