she looked like the before picture.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
