I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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