It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
