the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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