I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
