I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
