every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
