I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
