Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I want a musical about memes.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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