hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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