I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
