ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
