Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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