so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
