i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
