is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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