If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
