fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
