You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
