3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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