mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
