the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
