I'm jealous of your bromance
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
