My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
